


Same Soul

by darylsnegan



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Avengers - Freeform, Bucky - Freeform, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Bucky/OC - Freeform, Bucky/Reader - Freeform, Captain America - Freeform, Character Development, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Hydra, James Buchanan Barnes - Freeform, MCU AU, Marvel - Freeform, Marvel Comics - Freeform, Original Female Character - Freeform, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Quote: I'm with you 'til the end of the line, Romance, SHIELD, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Trust, Wakanda, falcon - Freeform, mcu - Freeform, mentions of avengers, possible trigger warnings, sam wilson - Freeform, steve rogers - Freeform, stucky feels, tony stark - Freeform, winter soldier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-02 05:39:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14537835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darylsnegan/pseuds/darylsnegan
Summary: The worst thing is that they aren't even nightmares. They're memories.Marvel AU in which Bucky is held in isolation telling the story of his HYDRA mental programming. In doing so, he finds comfort, acceptance and love - something he never thought he was deserving of.





	1. Maybe This Place is the Same...

Before you ask, I don't know why I was picked to keep an eye on Bucky Barnes. As if they're really going to leave someone who could go darkside alone with a helpless dame who can't defend herself. Bullshit.

If you ask Steve Rogers, I'm looking out for Bucky's well-being. However, if you ask Tony Stark, Bucky can't be trusted alone; hence why he's locked up in some sort of glorified prison cell in a location that remains confidential to Steve, myself, and very few others.

So who am I? Why am I here? What are my skills? One question at a time. I'm Dr. Mandy Rhodes. My skills are slim to none compared to the people I work around everyday, but what I can do is help Bucky Barnes return to normal. I think.

You see, a few years ago when Steve finally woke up from the ice, he needed help fitting into the decade he was in. He needed help understanding the vast advance in technology, he needed help with slang terms and everyday activities that were normal seventy years ago, but not so much now. Steve needed my help, but he didn't know it at the time. He was angry, bitter, confused, and hurt. Everything he knew and everyone he loved went about their lives while he was frozen in time. They grew, they aged, they moved on. As much as Steve has grown in the time I've worked with him, he still struggles. Some days are worse than others, but nothing can compare to the endless torture and mind control that Bucky had to go through. Had he not come in contact with Steve a few years back, mind you, he might still be the Winter Soldier. It pains me to think of that.

I'm not an empath, I can't feel what Bucky is feeling, I can't see his memories or tap into his mind. I can't trick him or force him into telling me things, he has to do everything voluntarily or my regime won't work. Some days he might not speak at all and that's fine. I'm not here to write down his every thought and move like he's some sort of guinea pig in a lab again, I'm not here to pick his brain or listen to his feelings. As if he'd be caught dead speaking of such things anyway.

I know people view him as a monster or a killing machine. I know Tony does. I also know that at one point in history, people viewed him as a hero because he signed his life away to a World War. How did we get here? How did this poor man go from a selfless war hero to a murderous villain who springs into a rampage when a few words are spoken in a certain order? And above all else, how was such severe mind control broken by the words of an old friend? That's what I want to know. That's why I'm here.

Steve Rogers contacted me immediately once he found out he had to go away for a few days. For what I'm not so sure. I don't exactly make it a habit to question the world's first superhero who happens to be trusting me with his best friend's life while he's gone.

At the time I was certain that I was right for this job because maybe subconsciously I wanted to be right for this job. But as I'm standing outside of the door to the room Bucky is confined in, I can't help thinking that they should've called someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know your opinion of the first chapter x


	2. ...And We’re Just Changing

"I know you're out there," came a voice from the other side of the door. "So if you're gonna come in then do it, but if you're not then leave me the hell alone."

I had to admit the sudden noise from Bucky's voice startled me, but I couldn't let something so small get to me. He surely wouldn't take me seriously if he knew I frightened easily. I took a moment to myself to let out a breath before turning the knob to enter the room, not knowing what kind of broken man I'd find inside.

The room was dim, but not dark enough for one to stumble about. There was a television, a radio, central air seemed to be working through the vents, blankets and pillows were provided and there also seemed to be a door leading to a bathroom. At first glance, it looked just like any normal living area aside from one thing; a cell that surrounded what looked to be a king-sized bed and one Bucky Barnes who sat at the edge with his elbows resting on his knees.

Once he lifted his head and caught a glimpse of me, his body language seemed almost apologetic.

"Oh.. I'm sorry, miss. I thought you were Sam coming to fuck with me before he and Steve left." He let out a soft chuckle to lighten the mood, but then narrowed his eyes once more. "Who are you?"

"I-I'm Doctor Mandy Rhodes, no relation to the Colonel." I offered a soft smile as I closed the door behind me.

Bucky remained quiet, looking anywhere besides me until he finished pondering whatever it was that was going on in his head.

"A doctor?" He lifted his head to look at me. "Like a surgeon or something?" A second mumble erupted from his lips, I could tell he felt uneasy at his own question.

"Not that kind of doctor." I assured him.

I took a seat on the stool outside of the Vibranium bars he was secured behind, dragging my fingers over the familiar cool metal as the nervousness I felt ate me alive. 

"I'm a Psychologist but I also have a less impressive degree in Psychiatry." I offered a soft smile once I found the courage to continue. "S.H.I.E.L.D - or Nick Fury, rather - brought me forward a few years ago when they needed me to help Steve cope with living in the twenty-first century. I guess Steve trusted me because here I am again."

"You shouldn't be here." Bucky shook his head, I could tell he was beginning to fidget. "I shouldn't even be here. I should've gone to Wakanda." 

Now we were getting somewhere.

"I don't trust myself, hence the glorified cage." He flatly continued. "If you knew what I've done.." Bucky started breathing heavy and I noticed his body fidgeting even more, almost as if he were on the verge of a panic attack. 

"Bucky..." I put my hands up to let him know I wasn't afraid of him and that it was okay that he was angry and confused, but he needed to calm down. "I'm not here for that." I shook my head. "You don't have to tell me anything. I don't work for anyone. I'm just here to make sure you're taken care of while your friends are away."

Bucky looked me up and down once again and must've trusted me based on my demeanor alone because he almost instantly calmed down. Don't get me wrong, he was definitely still timid but he wasn't some soft man who cries at the drop of a hat like some people make him out to be. He was complex and that's what drew me to him.

"You make it sound like I'm a house pet that needs to be looked after," he scoffed, shifting back onto his elbow. "And Sam isn't my friend." 

"I didn't mean it like that." My eyes locked on his. "If it counts, I'm not going to pretend like I know what you went through because I couldn't even begin to imagine how it felt. But what I do know - and please stop me if I'm wrong - is that you still want to talk about it. You want to make sense of what happened to you, but you don't want to burden the people around you about the same problem over and over." I explained, apparently catching his attention with the way he looked at me to continue. 

"What happened to you was undoubtedly unfortunate and indescribable, but I can tell that you're not the type of man to complain or burden anyone with your inner turmoil. Even if you wanted to talk about it, you wouldn't. You're misunderstood, you're afraid, but with all due respect you're not a coward, Sergeant Barnes. You don't belong behind those bars."

"It's just Bucky." His jaw clenched, apparently I had struck a nerve. "Unlike Steve, I don't reminisce on the good ol' days, I don't want there to be a war that needs fighting. I don't want to be a soldier."

Bucky slid up the sleeve on the shirt he was wearing to reveal part of the metal arm that was still attached to him. He looked down at the robotic appendage with utter guilt and hatred. What's even worse is I could tell that he truly believes he's a monster.

"The best thing that ever happened to Steve was that war. He got taller, he got weird super human strength from a few vials that were injected into his body, he got a shield and became the worlds first superhero for god sake," he laughed, but his eyes were sad. "That war gave Steve a new life, but what he doesn't understand is that it ended mine."

I watched every crevice of the metal tick as Bucky fumbled with his sleeve to cover the unwanted arm. Anyone who isn't Bucky looks at the arm as a bit odd, possibly a gadget or a futuristic prosthetic, an Avenger looks at it as a tool, a weapon of some sort, but Bucky... Bucky sees the body count that he racked up from killing innocent people while under the brainwashing of HYDRA.

I had no idea what to say in response to Bucky, so I didn't bother saying anything. I didn't know what made him upset, I didn't know anything about this man to be throwing around accusations or anything close for that matter. 

"Don't tell him that." Bucky scratched at the back of his neck. "Steve is my best friend, it's not his fault. Fighting the good fight was all that guy ever wanted and it turned into something not even he planned on. I'm happy for him." 

"Like I said, Bucky, you don't have to tell me anything. I'm just a boring doctor who doesn't get to perform surgery." I offered a soft smile which mirrored on his lips as well. 

"I'm not in here all the time," Bucky broke the silence that lingered between us for a few moments. "They didn't force me in here or anything. Just... sometimes I feel like it's stronger than I am. That I'll hurt someone if I'm not isolated. That's why I'm in here. It's been pretty bad lately."

The fact that Bucky felt the need to explain his situation was nonsense. He didn't have to give anyone answers, especially not a perfect stranger.

"Here's what we'll do Bucky," I started. "I'm not going to take notes down or tell you what I think is wrong with you. I'm not going to prescribe you any medications or monitor your behavior. You seem like you know when this thing is bigger than you are and that you've got a pretty good handle on it. What we will do, though, is take it day by day. I don't know how long Steve and Sam will be gone, but as long as they are, I'm going to be the one taking care of you. I'll be staying down the hall, you won't have to sit in silence while they're away. Unless you want to of course. I'll keep mental notes on things that trigger _that_ part of you and we'll make sure to not do those things."

I could tell that Bucky was truly listening to what I was saying and that he was carefully thinking over everything I said. He didn't have to trust me right yet, but earning his trust was the key to making this all work for him. 

"Anyway, I only came in to introduce myself and it seems to have gotten pretty late. If you need anything, don't hesitate to let yourself out and come find me. Goodnight, Bucky." I waved him off as I got up from the chair. 

"Wait," Bucky called out before I reached the door. When I turned around, he continued. "Aren't you a little young to be such a successful Psychologist?" He teased with a sleepy grin.

I rolled my eyes and let out a soft laugh at his remark while thinking of a response of my own once I reached the door and opened it to leave.

"Aren't you a little old to be thirty?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments welcome


	3. These Times

During the middle of the night I was ripped out of my peaceful sleep by screams coming from down the hall.

_Bucky._

I threw the covers off of myself and looked around the room for anything to protect myself with. Choosing not to arm myself upon arriving here wasn't one of my greatest choices and now I was definitely paying for it.

_Another scream._

I made the choice of going out of the room alone with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders, sliding along the wall down the hallway to Bucky's room. The armory was on a completely different floor and I didn't have time for that now. I needed to do what I came here for and that was to keep an eye on things. I just didn't expect something to happen on my first night.

The door to Bucky's room was cracked, though I remember closing it on my way out earlier. I pushed the door open ever so slightly so it didn't make a noise, but I saw nothing when I slid through the small opening in the door. Only Bucky in bed, a small line of light from outside adorning his chest through a crack in the curtains. His skin was glistening with sweat and his body twitched and thrashed about. 

_He's having a nightmare._

I let out a small breath of relief. I didn't have to fight an intruder or participate in a cool but most likely painful battle scene. I just had to wake up Bucky. 

_Wait._

This was part of it. The small part of HYDRA that was clinging on for dear life. You're not supposed to wake someone up from a nightmare, especially not someone who might wake up as a killing machine not knowing who he is.

"Bucky." I whispered, walking over to the vibranium bars he was surrounded by. "Bucky you have to wake up." I whispered again.

My body trembled from behind the bars. I had to find the key, I knew how to help him.

"Where would Steve put the key.." I mumbled to myself, but jumped when Bucky screamed again. 

I could hear the gears and plates twisting and turning inside of his metal arm, I could hear him panting and gasping for breath subconsciously. And then I remembered. 

_"You don't belong behind those bars."_

__

__

_"I'm not in here all the time."_

The door wasn't locked. It was just a mental illusion for Bucky to hide himself away from everyone and everything when he was doubting his self-control.

Another scream had my trembling hand on the door to pull it open. I could feel my heartbeat in my throat as I stepped through to the other side. There wasn't a single boundary between us now. Steve would kill me if he knew I was being so reckless on my first day. I knew it wasn't the smartest choice, but I knew in my heart it would work. It had to.

Bucky's body shook and pulled away at the sweat soaked sheets below him as I approached the side of the bed. The side the metal arm clung to. I squeezed my eyes shut and prepared myself for the worst as I took the blanket I brought with me off my shoulders and prepared to drape it over his body with one of my knees pressing into the mattress. 

_This is it._

All at once, I wrapped the blanket around Bucky's body and pulled what I could of his body into my arms. My body trembled, eyes squeezed shut while bracing for him to snap me in two if this went horribly wrong. But to my surprise, nothing followed. His body settled as I had hoped, but he didn't wake up in a fit of rage like I had feared. 

I stayed there like that for countless minutes, just staring at this poor, helpless, sweaty man. Once he wasn’t screaming or twitching about, I got a good look at Bucky’s features up close. The stubble on his face was making an appearance, his dark eyelashes fluttered, his lips were parted and soft breaths replaced his once blood-curdling screams. He wasn't a monster. He was just wounded. 

"It's okay, Bucky." I cooed. My fears had fled my body and I got a bit too brave as my fingers ran through his sweat soaked hair. "You'll wake up soon. You'll be okay. You _are_ okay."

A minute or two after that, Bucky gasped himself awake, but he was dazed. 

"What the," he quickly pulled away from my unfamiliar arms and wiped his hand over his stubble as he looked around in a panic. "What are you doing?" 

"Bucky," I started. "You were having a nightmare. I-I thought you were in trouble so I ran down here and -"

Before I could finish my trembled words, Bucky cut me off.

"You don't have a weapon." He spoke calmly.

"What?" His statement catching me off guard.

"You thought I was in trouble and you didn't bring a gun or a shield or even a knife. What the hell do you think would've happened if I was _actually_ in trouble, Doc?"

"I didn't have time for that, Bucky. I promised Steve I would look out for you. By the time I would've gotten here -"

"You think I would've gone nuclear."

As I sat at the edge of the bed with my blanket wadded up in my arms and my back turned to Bucky, I didn't exactly know what I thought was going to happen. I didn't have a rhyme or reason to care about the wellbeing of this man except for my promise to Steve, yet my selfless and stupid act could've gotten the both of us hurt or even killed. But it didn't.

"I'm sorry, Bucky." I shook my head and stood to leave, too embarrassed to face him. As I reached the threshold of vibranium, he spoke up.

"What you did.." Bucky waited for me to stop and look at him which I eventually did. "When I was asleep, I could feel you. Well, not _you_ you, but one second I was being hacked apart and tested on and then the next second I was home. My childhood home in Brooklyn. My mom, she was there. She hugged me and said that I would be okay."

I could hear the confusion in his voice along with the look on his face trying to make sense of it all. His brow furrowed as if he were trying to remember how it felt all those years ago. How a simple act of affection could pull forward such vivid memories.

"What did you do?" He asked.

"It's called swaddling." I kept my eyes on him. "It's supposed to feel like the safest place you've ever remembered because when you're young, if you're lucky, your mother holds you close to her while you're wrapped up in a blanket. It's a sense of security triggering the brain to calm down." 

Bucky's eyes closed before he ran his fingers through his sweat clad hair. 

"I could've hurt you." He sighed.

My eyes trailed along his metal arm, a cool sensation trailing up my back at the thought, but I kept my composure for once in my life. He was right, not as if I hadn’t thought of the consequences the entire time I tip toed over to his bed while he was mid-nightmare, but I shook those thoughts from my head and focused my attention back on Bucky with a soft mumble falling from my lips.

"But you didn't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m having a lot of fun with this fic, it’s basically writing itself and it’s my first story in almost a year


	4. Leave Out All the Rest

"You did _what_!?" Steve's voice tore through the speaker phone. "Amanda, you could've gotten yourself killed!"

"Called it." I mumbled dryly.

"Excuse me?" He retorted.

"I knew you'd overreact when I told you what happened," I sighed. "No offense, Steve, but you called me because you trusted me with your best friend. I wouldn't do anything to make you second guess yourself. You know that."

The line was quiet for a little while which caused me to peek at my phone to see if Steve was even still connected.

"Steve?" I asked, earning a long huff from his end. 

"I'm sorry, Mandy. I do trust you. I trust both of you, but you haven't..." he sighed. "You haven't read his file, you haven't seen what he's done when he's not in control. I'm not saying you have something to worry about, but I know that you're underprepared if anything does happen."

"I'm not doing anything you wouldn't do, Rogers." I softly smiled.

"That's the problem." He teased. "I want you to be better than me, alright?"

"Please, I'm leagues ahead of you already, Captain." My nose scrunched as we joked with each other. 

"Yeah, yeah." He dismissed. "Anyway, I'll call you in a couple of days. Stay safe, don't do anything stupid, and for the love of god, don't sleep with my best friend."

"Steve!" I quickly interjected, earning a hearty laugh from his side before we said our goodbyes and hung up the phone.

When I set my phone down on the counter, a noise came from behind me which nearly made me jump out of my skin.

"Jesus, Bucky." I sighed, my cheeks still burning red from Steve's joke. "You're out of your room."

"Nothing gets by you, Doc." He winked which caused me to roll my eyes.

"How're you feeling?" I asked, pulling a stool away from the island in the kitchen to take a seat.

"Better." He nodded, making his way to a bowl of fruit on the counter. "I haven't slept that well in a while, actually." Bucky admitted while continuing to rummage through the fruit bowl.

I raised my brow in utter amusement, he was continuing the conversation, but he was extremely concentrated on the right piece of fruit.

"What are you looking for?" I finally asked with a giggle.

"This." He turned to me with a ripe plum between his thumb and forefinger with the proudest grin you'd ever see. "I love these things." 

My nose scrunched as a soft laugh emitted from my lips. This guy had a way of being down right childish but adorable all at once. Dammit. 

"Want one?" He asked, but I was lost in thought. "Mandy?"

"What?" I asked. "Oh, no. I was actually on my way to check on something in storage before you started waving fruit in my face." I teased. "Thanks though, Bucky." I offered a small smile as I stood from the stool. 

I noticed his expression change out of the corner of my eye when I turned to leave, but I didn't think much of it until I heard his voice stop me in my tracks.

"It's in the second drawer, three from the front." He spoke unenthusiastically.

"Pardon?" I looked over my shoulder. 

"My file. Figured I'd save you some time searching for it." His voice was flat. 

_Shit._

"Bucky, I.." I truly had no idea what to say so I looked down at my feet away from him. 

"James Buchanan Barnes, Born March 10th, 1917." He spoke in sort of a sing-song type of sarcasm and I could hear footsteps coming towards me. "Eldest child of four, Steve Rogers' childhood best friend, three time YMCA welterweight boxing champion, Sergeant missing in action but never actually proclaimed dead because nobody gave a fuck to look." 

I felt my chest tighten as Bucky's chest brushed against my back while his breath was hot on my ear.

"With all due respect, Mandy, you're not going to earn my trust by sneaking around behind my back reading things that I haven't even had a chance to read about myself." I stood frozen as he spoke. "The next time you want to know something about me? Use your fucking PhD and ask." He finished sternly before brushing past me with his head down as if to say he was disappointed in me. 

_Ouch._

———

Bucky and I didn't talk for the rest of the day. Instead of having a briefing session like I had hoped, we stayed clear of each other which was the opposite of what I was supposed to be doing with my time here.

Rather than snooping through Bucky's files to look for anything that could ease me into talking to him, I went out to the farmer's market and picked up a few things even though I had been given strict orders from Steve not to leave the hideout out of his fear that I would be followed or that Bucky would go awol while I was gone. 

_Oops._

To be fair, when I left, Bucky was in the training room taking all of his frustration and pent up anger out on what seemed to be the third punching bag he had gone through. He didn't even notice I was gone, alright?

_As if that makes it better._

The truth is, I know I messed up. That's what separates me from so many people Bucky has let into his life. I can admit when I'm wrong and I'm not afraid to apologize when I do something as slimy as this. That doesn't make it better though, and it definitely doesn't excuse what I did. I just hoped he could overlook this incident and give me a second chance. 

When I returned home, I grabbed a bowl from the kitchen and made my way to the room I was staying in so I could put together the apology gift I got for Bucky. Lame, I know. But I was desperate. For his forgiveness. Not for him. Nope.

_Dammit Steve._

When I was finished putting everything together, I walked down the hall to Bucky's closed door and knocked. I waited there for a minute or two before knocking again without any luck. I assumed he was showering or napping after wearing himself out in the training room, so I was going to leave my gift on the ground. 

Before I had a chance to kneel down, Bucky opened his door and looked down at me with a hidden expression. 

We stared at each other for a moment in complete silence, not exactly knowing what to say to the other, but not necessarily an uncomfortable silence like I had feared. Since all of this was my doing, I offered a small smile and spoke up. 

"I'm sorry." I batted my eyes.

When Bucky looked at the bowl of plums I had in my hands, he let out a soft laugh and I instantly felt the mood between us lighten.

"You're gonna have to help me eat these, you know." He chuckled, taking the plums from my grasp.

"Care to join me for a movie?" I asked, sounding more hopefully than I had planned. 

Bucky looked from the plums to me and seemed like he was contemplating my offer. He must've been able to tell I was trying to reconcile our argument from earlier because he nodded in response. 

"I'll get the blankets and popcorn." I smiled before turning on my heels.

"I'll bring the plums." He laughed, causing me to look back at him with a soft red hue painted on my cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how i feel about this chapter, but thanks for reading x


	5. She’s Like the Wind

"You've never seen Dirty Dancing before!?" My tone was obviously appalled but muffled as Bucky shoved popcorn into my mouth to hush me.

"When you get frozen dozens of times within seventy years, you wouldn't believe how much stuff seems unimportant." He shrugged with a chuckle as I threw one of his plums at him.

"I guess that's a fair point," I shrugged. "Just figured someone would've forced you to watch it by now." I grinned, pulling one of the blankets over my body and snuggled up into the couch in just the right position. 

Bucky watched me in amusement as I cocooned myself in the soft fleece fabric and moved about until I was comfortable. I felt his eyes on me which caused me to look over.

"I brought one for you too, you know." I raised my brows to get a better look at him.

"I'll be okay." He waved a hand at me and picked up the remote to hit the play button.

"Suit yourself," I mumbled, but moments later shared some of my blanket with him anyway, causing the corners of his lips to raise slightly.

———

**Bucky's POV**

Sometime between this 'Baby' girl carrying a watermelon and another dancing scene, Mandy laid her head on my shoulder. I figured it was just her warming up to me or what have you, but I didn't want to ruin the moment, so I chose not to comment on the matter.

"Bucky," I heard Mandy mumble which caused me to look down at her.

"Yeah?" I asked, but no answer.

I gently moved her hair out of her face and saw that she was asleep. Not only was she dreaming, but she was dreaming about _me_?

"No," She flinched which freaked me out a little if we're being quite honest. Now I know how she must've felt the other night. 

"Mandy." I whispered.

"Bucky, please.." She whimpered. 

My head immediately fell to where I was looking at my lap. I was hurting her. It wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. I was in fact the nightmare I always thought I was. This was proof.

"Buck.." Her voice was weaker, pleading with whatever her mind was showing her. "Stay with me. You can't die, please don't go.. Stay.." 

I immediately looked over to her after that. I wasn't hurting her. I wasn't the monster in this nightmare. I was the martyr. 

I laid her body back to where her head was on the armrest of the couch which gave me a good look at her face. I felt horrible for just being a witness to this, but I didn't know how to wake her. I wasn't qualified at this stuff like she was, but I knew waking someone up during a nightmare was frowned upon for some reason.

"Please.. no, no, no, don't go.." her body shook.

I didn't trust myself. I really, _really_ didn't trust myself to touch anyone, especially with my metal arm. It was an inner conflict I had with myself every time I was around another person. Especially not someone so fragile who had tears trickling down her cheeks while she slept. Was it even possible to cry in your sleep? 

I didn't have time to ask myself questions right now, what I needed to do was pull her out of this fit she was having. Against my better judgement, I hovered over her and cupped the side of her face, feeling her tears seep through my fingers. I wasn't used to physical touching unless it meant someone was getting hurt, so all of this was new to me.

"Mandy." I mumbled.

"James.." She whispered in the most broken tone I'd ever heard a person sound. 

_James._

Nobody had called me that name for as long as I could remember. I don't know why it had such an effect on me, but hearing her sound so helpless shot straight to my heart and I knew that I never wanted to feel something like that ever again. She was here to fix me and I guess that made my job looking after her too. 

While I was lost in thought, my thumb brushed over her cheek and she soon woke up abruptly, much like I do after a nightmare. She was accompanied by the same exact look I'm assuming I have on my face.

_Fear._

———

**Mandy's POV**

"Bucky.." My body snapped up and I felt the tears running down each side of my neck, but I didn't care.

I immediately wrapped my arms around Bucky's neck and pressed my forehead to his. Normally I'm good about asking permission to touch someone, knowing that it could trigger something inside of them, but at that moment, everything I knew and cared about was null and void. Bucky wasn't dead. He was very much alive and his lips were very close to mine.

I pulled away at the realization that I had crossed a line, but his arms were still loosely wrapped around my ribs which told me he didn't mind the contact.

"You died.." I whispered, wiping my eyes as I looked into his.

Bucky only let out the softest chuckle.

"If I had dollar for every time I heard that." He smiled, wiping away a stray tear on my cheek.

I didn't know why I cared so much. I had literally just met this man yesterday, we were fighting this morning, I didn't know anything about him, but I felt everything in my nightmare all too well and I never wanted it to become a reality. I wanted to keep him safe.

"Let's get you to bed." He mumbled as he lifted my body with ease, making sure to grab the blankets as well.

My body instinctively curled into Bucky's chest as he carried me upstairs to my room and I was already mostly asleep again until I felt the absence of him as he laid me down on my bed. I opened my eyes to see him nearing the door when I spoke up in a sleepy voice.

"Stay." It was more of a hopeful question than a request.

I scooted over to give him room when he got into the bed with me. He was sitting up against the headboard, and my head was laid on his abdomen. It didn't take long for me to begin dozing off, but before I was fully asleep, I felt his metal arm wrap around my shoulder and pull me closer to him in a protective manner.

I fell asleep with a smile on my lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next couple of chapters are going to be heavy with emotions x


	6. Meant to Live

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of injuries to a major character

I woke up the next morning with a sense of relief washing over me. Though Bucky and I hadn't talked about his brainwashing much or HYDRA in general, I felt that he was beginning to trust me in a way he's only trusted Steve.

_Steve._

He and Sam would be home sometime today, at least I hadn't heard differently, so hopefully I would get through another briefing session with Bucky before their return. 

I found the power within myself to get out of bed and trudge downstairs to the kitchen with my blanket wrapped around my shoulders when I noticed Bucky leaning over the counter on his forearms with his head down and a coffee cup sitting next to him.

"Morning, Buck." I raised my brow at him.

I was hoping this odd behavior didn't have anything to do with last night or his programming. More so the latter. When he didn't respond, I hesitantly continued.

"Anyway.. um, Steve and Sam will be home today, so I was thinking that we could -"

"There's been a change in plans." He interrupted in a monotone voice.

My lips parted, but no words or sound came out. I knew something was wrong, I could tell by the way he was acting. My heart sank and I assumed the worse. 

"Who?" I managed to mumble, keeping my eyes locked on the back of Bucky's head.

When Bucky turned around, I could see every emotion in the world and nothing at all at the same time in his broken blue eyes. 

"It's Steve." His jaw tensed at his response, not wanting to believe what he was saying.

My breath hitched in the back of my throat and tears burned my eyes immediately. Bucky rubbed his hand over his beard and looked up at the ceiling in disbelief. Neither of us said anything in that moment. Neither of us needed to. We couldn't.

If you were wondering how it feels to lose someone close to you, it feels like the world has taken everything you've known, everything you're used to, everything that matters to you, and completely disregards it all, tearing it apart along with your feelings. 

I was scared to talk, I didn't know if I wanted my question answered, but I needed to know. 

"Is.." I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a shaky breath. "Where is he? Is he okay?" I looked up at Bucky who was looking down at me in that same broken expression.

"He's hurt." He nodded, biting his lip but letting a scoffed laugh escape them anyway. "That son of a bitch pulls me out of the worst place I've ever been and I can't even be there for him when he's.." He chokes on his words and turns away from me, clearly not wanting me to see him cry. 

Bucky doesn't need to finish his thought before my arms are wrapped around his abdomen and my face is pressed against his back. I could feel him tense at first, but he allowed it and even relaxed into my arms once he steadied his breathing.

"You know, Steve," he cleared his throat. "Steve and I met when he was getting picked on in school. I was bigger than him back then." Bucky laughed at the memory. "I was there for him when his mother died, and I tried so hard to keep him out of the military. I knew he wanted to serve our country and make a difference, but I thought to myself.." 

His breathing started to intensify again, but I rubbed my hand over his chest to hopefully calm him down, which it soon did and he continued.

"I thought to myself 'the war is no place for Steve Rogers. He's this small guy who can't defend himself, he'd get eaten alive in the war,' but he proved me wrong. He proved everyone wrong. Since then, he's saved my ass more times than I can count. He's the reason I'm here. HYDRA put me on ice after every kill I did. They wanted to keep me young, they wiped my memory every time I started to resist, but nothing, and I truly mean nothing, was strong enough to wipe the memory of my friendship with that kid from Brooklyn. I knew that guy on the bridge that day. He pulled me out of all of it and still to this day, he believes what he did was right. He went against the government, he went against Stark, he went against everyone and everything to save me. All this time I thought I needed to protect him, but he's been protecting me for as long as I can remember." 

Bucky stopped talking after that, but didn't move out of my arms. He was tired, he was drained, he was accepting the affection I was giving to him which was progress in itself. Not only that, but he had just opened up to me in a way that I didn't expect. Steve had to pull through this, if he didn't, Bucky would lose himself. That I knew for sure.

"James," I sighed and felt his body tense at the name, but he didn't correct me like I thought he would. 

Instead, Bucky turned in my arms and suddenly I noticed the height difference between us as he held my face in his hands. He didn't even hesitate using his metal one which neither of us noticed in that moment.

"Steve thinks the world of you." I spoke softly, leaning into the hands that were cupping my face. 

I didn't have to tell him that, he knew how much their friendship meant to each other. Even when they both had nothing they had each other and that's what kept them going for so long. 

"You know, when Steve told me about you, I didn't care to listen." He admitted. "Every doctor I've ever known has wanted to cause me pain in one way or another or use me to their advantage, but Steve put up a fight for you. Told me that you helped him in ways that he never thought were imaginable. You never made him feel stupid for not understanding something. You were patient and you listened to him and you're doing the same with me, and I just..."

His babbling made me giggle which caused him to stop talking and stare at me instead. He was nervous and it was clear he wasn't good with emotions or explaining his feelings or whatever this was that he was doing. 

"You talk too much." I whispered with a soft grin, leaning in to place a kiss to his cheek before turning on my heels to leave. 

"Mandy?" Bucky looked at me through his messy hair that fell in his face. Almost as if he were trying to ask me something.

"He's going to be okay." I turned around and responded, knowing what he was trying to say in not so many words. 

I turned around once more and stood in the doorway of the kitchen, looking down at my feet and thinking about that stupid hero that I learned to call my best friend over the past few years whom none of us could afford to lose.

"He has to be."


	7. Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finds out some interesting news about Mandy ‘Rhodes’

That night, Bucky and I didn't talk much. We both needed time to grasp what was going on. I know what you're thinking, 'Mandy, you came here to make Bucky talk. This is the perfect opportunity to do just that.' Well, you're wrong. 

Having Bucky talk willingly about his time in HYDRA, his brainwashing, and his some odd confirmed kills was different than sitting down talking about the possible death of his life long friend. The only thing keeping Bucky grounded. The only person who was looking out for him. His lifeline in a sense. 

Bucky didn't need to talk right now. He needed assurance and I couldn't give that to him. Nobody could. At least not yet.

My phone rang at an odd time of night and I felt my stomach drop. No good phone calls happen after 9pm, and especially not at 2am.

I looked down at the name displayed across my phone and furrowed my brows together.

_Tony._

"What." I answered harshly, pressing the speaker button because I was too exhausted to hold a simple phone to my ear.

"Trouble in Avengers paradise, eh?" He snickered on the other end.

"Are you kidding me, Tony? Steve is fucking hurt and you call to rub it in my face? I knew you were shallow but this is a new low, even for -"

"Steve's hurt?" He questioned genuinely.

Of course Tony wouldn't know Steve was hurt. They had a falling out after Steve wouldn't give Bucky up to the government and when Tony found out Bucky killed his parents. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

_"You knew all along?" My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach._

_"Mandy, let me explain..." Steve begged, grabbing my arm in a gentle way that was also desperate._

_"Steve, how? How could you keep this from me?" Tears flooded my eyes._

_"Mandy, I didn't know..." Steve's hands were quick to cup either side of my face and I looked up to him with tear stained cheeks. "Natasha and I... around the time we found Bucky, Zola.. well, a version of him anyway, told us accidents would happen... we knew the Winter Soldier killed them, but it made things so much more difficult when we found out who the Winter Soldier was."_

_Our foreheads were pressed together, but he was still holding my face as if he never wanted to forget the curve of my cheekbones._

_"It made things difficult for you?" I laughed sadly. "I didn't get to know my biological parents, Steve. I was fostered for god knows how long, thrown about from house to house until the only parents I've ever known adopted me. I didn't get to know my brother, he couldn't take care of me so now he's using that failed opportunity on some teenager in a spider suit."_

_"I'm sorry." He repeated over and over until my eyes fluttered shut. "I'm so sorry, Amanda. Nobody deserves to go through what you did, but I swear to you, that wasn't Bucky. It was HYDRA. Bucky loved your dad. He looked up to him, they were allies. Bucky admired every failed floating car, every futuristic gadget your dad ever came up with."_

_"Howard Stark isn't my father, Steve. He never got the chance to be."_

"Amanda?" Tony's voice spoke again.

"Tony, I have to go." My eyes teared up, every memory from that day coming back in an instant.

"I know you're there with him. With Barnes." He spoke through gritted teeth. "Seems your anger was short lived, sis."

"What do I have to be angry about, Tony? The Winter Soldier killed our parents when I was too young to even know who they were. If you hadn't put me through your program when I was in school and trapped me into listening to you, I wouldn't even know who you were." I sighed, rubbing my temples. "Tony, I know you're hurting and you probably will be for the rest of your life, but I also know that it's exhausting to hold a grudge for things you can't change. You've said it yourself, Howard was a great inventor, but he was a horrible father. He gave you the gift of being a great engineer, but left you with a heavy burden you dwell on everyday and that was that you weren't old enough to legally be my guardian and by the time you were, another family had already adopted me. I don't hate you for that, Tony. I never did and I never will. None of that was on you, just like none of it was on Bucky. HYDRA took just as much from him as it did you. Bucky is trying to move on. It's time you do the same."

The line was silent which never happened when Tony was on the phone. He was usually too busy bragging about his new suits or something egotistical, but this time, I think my words actually hit him.

"Tony?" I asked.

"Send Rogers my best." He spoke quietly before hanging up.

Once again, I was left alone with my thoughts. What would my life have been like had I adopted the Stark name and ridden the coattails of my father instead of making a name for myself like I was doing? Would I be closer with Tony if he could've been my guardian? Would I be as forgiving to Bucky for all of this if I was in Tony's shoes?

All of my thoughts vanished when I heard a knock on my door.

"Come in." I choked out, staring at the door. 

Bucky pushed the door open and slid into my room, our eyes making contact immediately. I couldn't quite make out the look he was giving me, but I knew he had overheard at least some of the conversation I had with Tony.

"Hi.." He mumbled, standing close to the door.

"Hey," I forced a small smile, but frowned once he didn't reciprocate.

Looking like he was fighting an inner battle with himself on what his next move should be, Bucky carefully made his way over to sit on the very edge of my bed. Once he thought over what he wanted to say I'm assuming dozens of times, he looked at me before swallowing nervously. He knew. 

"When were you going to tell me?"


	8. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Mandy have a long talk about December 16th, 1991

"Tony was seventeen when our parents..." I cleared my throat. "I was almost three. He was planning for college, living up to their expectations. From what I can gather, Tony would've damn near killed himself for his father's acceptance. I don't know if he ever truly received it, but I know to this day he's still searching for it in every person he meets."

Bucky slightly turned his body towards me, letting me continue talking, but silently letting me know that he wasn't shutting me out during this conversation. I don't know if he particularly picked up on his social cue, but it made the sides of my lips curl in the slightest form. 

"I don't remember them." I admitted solemnly. "Sometimes when I'm dreaming I can hear snippets of their voices, mainly my father. Probably because I've seen footage of him with Steve and I can memorize what he sounds like.." 

The more I thought about it, the more emotional I got. I never opened up to someone about this, not even Steve. 

"I was almost six when I was adopted. For three and a half years I was bounced around from tons of houses. Tony tried so many times to bring me home."

_Home._

"They wouldn't let him. He was the only living relative I had, the only person looking out for me in this world and they wouldn't let him take me because he wasn't of age. When he was, the Rhodes' had already signed off on my papers. I love my parents, I wouldn't trade them for the world, but sometimes I think about what my life would be like if-"

"If I hadn't killed them." Bucky looked away.

"It wasn't you. Trust me, it took a lot of time for me to see that, and I still didn't necessarily believe it until I got here. You were one of the things I was sure Steve would talk to me about when I was helping him. And once he found out you were alive, you were _all_ he would talk about. Bucky this, Bucky that. But the one thing he never told me was the truth about my parents. About who killed them. I know his heart was in the right place. He wanted me to focus on all of the good in you instead of the bad that was forced there. You might've just been getting to know me, Bucky, but I've been hearing about you for years. I don't blame you. The day Tony backed me into a corner in one of my courses and told me the truth about my life, I was so angry and bitter that my life could've been different, could've been _easier._ But then I see you and the ways HYDRA is still effecting you and it breaks my heart. Everyone I... care about is hurting because of these fucking people and it's not fair. It has to end at some point, and I want you to know that even if it doesn't end with Tony, it ends with me. I forgive you, Bucky." 

I could see a weight lift off of Bucky when I spoke those words. It was like something he'd been waiting to hear for seventy years. His eyes closed for a moment as if he were at peace, and then his blue eyes showed themselves once more.

"He remembered me." Bucky winced. "When.. it happened. Howard recognized who I was, but I.. at the time, I didn't know him. Nothing could stop me. Those HYDRA fucks really messed me up, Mandy. They wiped me after every kill, kept me frozen until they needed me again. I didn't remember anything or anyone until Steve came along and once he brought me out of that trance... it was almost as if I got hit by a train of memories and those memories were all of the lives I took. All of the families I tore apart. All of the bloodshed. All because of me."

My hand made its way over to rest on top of Bucky's and he greeted mine by holding my fingers with his thumb. I couldn't comfort him about Steve just yet, but I could always comfort him when it came to this.

"Why aren't you angry with me?" I asked.

"The same reason you aren't angry with me." He answered simply.

Our eyes met again which caused my cheeks to burn a soft shade of pink. Bucky must've picked up on it because it earned a soft chuckle out of him.

"Tony's going to struggle with this for the rest of his life, I know he will. Seventeen is such a confusing and inconvenient time to lose both of your parents. You're taught a set of rules by these people and then one day you have to live life by yourself without any heads up. He's angry, he has a right to be. He was wronged. His parents were wronged, _you_ were wronged. He knows deep down that the situation is more complex than what he's making it seem. In his mind, Captain America's best friend killed his parents and he sees red. In his heart, he remembers the day he was told the news of his parents losing their lives and losing his little sister along with them. He relives that day over and over and it drives him insane. Every time he thinks about it, he creates another suit. I might not have known Tony my whole life, but I know that one day he's going to be a great father and he's going to wish our dad was here to see what an amazing man he turned out to be, and then he's going to realize that he doesn't need acceptance or approval from anyone except that tiny baby in his arms."

"I'm sorry, Mandy." Bucky frowned, moving to wrap his arm around my shoulder to pull me closer to him.

I accepted the affection, curling my body into his chest with my legs laid over his.

"Don't be." I shook my head, listening to the beating of Bucky's heart. "I turned out okay. He turned out okay, and now...you're okay." I sighed, nuzzling further against him. 

Bucky rested his chin on top of my head and moved his hand up and down my back in a comforting motion. 

"I'm glad you're here." He admitted softly.

"Me too." I nodded. "I hope Steve is okay."

Bucky pressed a chaste kiss to the top of my head and let his lips linger for a few moments before sighing.

"Me too."


	9. Fix You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snacks and Bucky fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a longer chapter, enjoy!

When I woke up the next morning, Bucky was unsurprisingly not there. Even if he wanted to be, he had a complex about making sure he was locked up at night just in case his nightmares set him off. It was understandable that he felt the need to protect me, especially with what was going on with Steve. There was no telling if and when he'd snap subconsciously.

"Ow." Bucky grumbled under his blanket as I threw a plum at him through the vibranium bars.

"Sorry, I know the sign says 'do not feed the Bucky' but I couldn't resist." I scrunched my nose as I laughed at my own joke.

"Funny." He audibly rolled his eyes, covering his head with a pillow.

"Come on, have breakfast with me." I pouted. "I promise I won't throw anything at you again."

A drawn out groan emitted from Bucky. I knew he wasn't tired, he was moping around about Steve. Bucky was always awake before me and the fact that it was going on 11AM and he still wasn't awake was bothersome. I couldn't let him get down about this, and I couldn't let him give up. We had to keep going day by day. 

"Fine. But you're making me French toast for my pain and suffering." His voice was intentionally pathetic.

I only laughed and rolled my eyes.

"Deal."

———

"You know," Bucky chomped on his French toast. "You could've just asked if I was okay like a normal person instead of wasting a perfectly good plum." His lips curled into a smile, a little bit of syrup dripping down his chin.

If Bucky ever acted like a child, it was definitely in this moment. Drinking milk out of a Captain America cup, using plastic cutlery that matched the color of his plate. How was it possible for this guy to be a deadly assassin, and why on earth did the Avengers not have normal plates and silverware in this tower?

"I could've," I nodded. "But would you really tell me the truth if I asked?"

"Mandy.." He began.

"I know. Pot calling the kettle black." I frowned. 

"That's not what I was going to say." His blue eyes narrowed down at his plate. "You wanna know what I'm thinking? I'm worried. Is that what you want to hear? I'm scared that if Steve dies, nobody is going to be looking after my well-being. Nobody is going to believe me about that terrorist attack. Nobody's going to believe me about anything. And nothing is going to be in the way of Stark trying to turn me over to the government. If Steve dies, I might as well be dead too. I'd rather be killed than tested on again, Mandy.."

"I'm nobody." I whispered.

"What?" He looked over at me, clearly confused.

"You said nobody is going to care or defend you. I will. I might not have cool powers or a shield, I might not be a god or a spy, but I won't let anything happen to you, Buck. If I need to put my life on the line for Tony to back off, then so be it. I'm here for you. I promised Steve I would look after you." 

I think that was the moment Bucky truly let his guard down around me. Whether it was his vulnerability due to his worry for Steve, or because of my willingness to put myself on the line to keep him out of harms way, when Bucky looked at me in that moment, I felt something completely change in his eyes. He didn't look lost or confused or scared. He looked content. He was finally beginning to trust me. And I was beginning to feel something for him.

———

That night the weather took a turn for the worst. For the most part since I've been here, the sun has been shining and no rain showed it face, but tonight a storm rolled in from a low grade hurricane on the coast which meant a downpour and lots of thunder and lightning to come with it. 

Fantastic.

I was terrified of storms. Ever since I could remember, when it thundered outside, I could kiss a good night's sleep goodbye and I'd be in the kitchen stress eating. My fears got better once I got to know Thor who teased me about being afraid of his powers, but tonight, the storm accompanied by my worry for Steve was a guaranteed night of insomnia. 

I didn't waste much time before trudging myself to the kitchen; bunny slippers sticking to the floor with every step I took. It was late, so I didn't bother putting my robe on since Bucky was sure to be lulled to sleep by the storm. Most people loved listening to rain, but me, not so much.

I should've brought it with me though, Bucky always kept the house so cold it was a mystery that you couldn't see your breath. I rubbed at my bare arms that lacked coverage from my tank top and rummaged through the cabinets for a bag of Oreos or Chex mix. Anything to keep my mind off of the cats and dogs raining down outside.

Once I settled on a bag of barbecue Bugles, I sat down at the island and scrolled through pictures on my phone. The most recent ones were pictures of Steve and I. One of him bench pressing me like the goofball he is, one of us with pie all over ourselves because we both lost a bet, and one of us hugging before he left on the mission with Sam. I missed him. My body ached at the thought of never getting to see my best friend again. But I couldn't be weak. Not in front of Bucky. If I lose hope, so will he.

I watched as two droplets of tears splattered onto my phone screen off of my nose and I sadly laughed to myself.

"Please come home." I whispered.

"Mandy?" Bucky mumbled as he walked into the dimly lit kitchen.

I took the opportunity to wipe my tears away as he rubbed at his sleep-filled eyes. 

"What're you doing up? It's late.." he slurred. 

Once I finally looked over to him, I noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt. I was pleasantly surprised at first, noticing the way his sweatpants hung from his hips, the way his muscles flexed with his every step. But then I saw it. The giant scar surrounding the metal arm. And then I frowned.

"Couldn't sleep." I smiled weakly.

"Me either," he shrugged, pulling up a chair beside me so he could mooch off my bowl of Bugles. Once he stuffed a handful of them into his mouth, he saw the picture on my phone. 

"You're worried too." He noted.

I only nodded, looking away from him before I cried. I couldn't cry in front of Bucky. Not again. Not over this. I didn't have the right.

"Hey," he cooed, placing his hand on top of mine. "That guy never backed down from any fight he was facing. He's not gonna let this be any different. Mandy.." He sighed.

I finally turned to him, tears staining my cheeks. His eyes softened and his grip on my hand tightened in the slightest way. I knew I looked exhausted. I could feel it. I was tired of hiding behind my mask of being completely fine. This was just the straw that broke me.

I didn't have to say anything, I didn't even have time to before Bucky was pulling me flush against his bare skin. All of this was so odd. Bucky wasn't a touchy person. He was quite the opposite, but when he saw someone he cared about hurting, he was selfless. That was one of the things I adored about him.

"I ever tell you about the time I spent three dollars at the carnival to win a bear for a girl?" He asked.

Those weren't the words I expected to come out of his mouth. I looked up at him in confusion, and he looked down at me with a smile curled on his lips.

"It was before the war, mind you, so back when I had both of my own arms and three dollars was a lot. Still took me all night to win this damn thing for her, but when I did, you couldn't do anything to wipe the smile off her face."

I watched the way his lips curled as he reminisced on this random memory, one of his last happy memories before the war, before HYDRA, before everything. He clung to this memory with every ounce of his being so I let him talk for as long as he wanted. I tuned out a little bit of it as I noticed the way his nose sloped and his dark lashes batted against his skin, but I found my way back just as he was about to finish.

"Moral of the story is, I don't stop trying my very best until someone is happy. So I'm not moving until I get a smile out of those lips of yours." He mumbled, cradling my face with his non-metal hand. 

Our eyes met and our noses were close to brushing which caused each of us to shift a bit awkwardly, but also earned a soft smile out of each of us. 

"Atta girl." He grinned effortlessly. 

I laid my head against his neck as we sat there in comfortable silence. His fingers tracing lazy shapes on my back as he snagged a few more Bugles. 

Once he had lulled me to sleep, Bucky carried me up to my bed and laid my blanket over my body before he turned on his heels and quietly made his way to leave.

"Bucky?" I yawned.

He turned around and checked to make sure I was okay, giving me time to speak again.

"I can't believe you spent fourty dollars to win a stuffed bear." I giggled sleepily.

I snuggled into my blankets while Bucky hung his head, a crooked smile splayed on his lips while his hair fell in his face. 

"Maybe I'll win one for you sometime." He mumbled before closing the door behind him.

My heart fluttered and a wide grin displayed itself on my face as I drifted off to sleep, forgetting about the storm and everything else for a little while.


	10. Breathing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you guys like this fic? I don’t get feedback from it buy i enjoy writing it :(

The next couple of weeks were quiet. Neither Bucky or myself heard much about Steve which meant Sam didn't have any good news to tell us. The more time that went by, the less I saw of Bucky. It's like I was losing both of them.

Still, I remained optimistic.

I was at the table in the kitchen, sipping on the fresh cup of tea I made for myself while catching up on paperwork Steve gave me before he left. I needed to update a few files and whatnot, but I had been so busy with Bucky lately that I completely forgot about it until now.

Disclosures, reports, signed documents, weekly clinical notes and assessments were scattered across the table and I was already over the headache it was causing me. I rubbed at my temples and sighed to myself. I couldn't fault Steve for wanting me to have everything I could possibly need for his file, but I wasn't in the proper mindset to be dealing with this right now.

"You're working too hard." Bucky was leaning against the frame leading into the kitchen.

"I have to keep myself busy." I mumbled. "It's the only way I'm keeping my head above water."

"Or." He grunted, pushing his weight from the door frame to walk closer to me. "You do the opposite."

The suggestion wasn't at all helpful, but still it intrigued me. I raised my brow while sipping my tea, humoring him to continue.

"Think about it. You've been working almost everyday for the past month, don't you think you deserve some time off?" A few pieces of hair fell in his eyes as he tilted his head. "We could watch another movie I've never heard of and for once both of us could just shut down for a little bit. I know I could use a break."

Bucky was right. Usually my workload wasn't so advanced. I would see patients a few times a week, work nine to five and then go home for the night. This wasn't that easy. I had to take care of a broken super soldier 24/7 whose mood was so apt to change at any second that he was placed somewhere nobody could find him. I took my time with him like all of my other patients, but unlike them, Bucky didn't have a family to go home to. He didn't have loved ones to help him through this. The only person he considered family was on a mission and we weren't hearing anything about Steve's health. 

The more I considered it, the more I realized that Bucky and I both deserved a stress-free day where neither of us had to put up a front. He could shut his brain off for a while and I could postpone the files to a later time. We needed each other right now, we were the only ones the other had. So I humored him again.

"You ever seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off?" I grinned, nodding towards the TV.

———

It was an appropriate movie to watch considering that like Ferris, we were both playing hooky from our responsibilities for the day. 

"It's no floating car." Bucky mumbled to himself when Cameron showed off his father's car to his friends.

I didn't respond, but only pressed my lips into an uncomfortable smile when he referred to my father's failed invention all those years ago.

_My father._

I didn't let that comment ruin my day though. He hadn't meant anything by it. If anything, it was supposed to be a compliment. Any time Bucky or Steve told me about that day, they always talked about how infatuated Bucky had been with the advanced technology that Howard Stark presented to the public. Even if it didn't completely work.

To my surprise, Bucky was way more into the movie than I thought he'd be. It was closer to the times that he remembered, but it was still a few decades off and I had to remind him that Matthew Broderick wasn't the one _actually_ singing on the float, but The Beatles, rather.  

Throughout the movie, Bucky would relate Ferris and Cameron to his and Steve's friendship which I guess defaulted me as Sloane. Thinking back, I hadn't seen Bucky laugh or smile that much since I'd moved in close to a month ago. This day was exactly what he needed and when the movie was over, he looked over at me like a puppy would when it's looking for permission.

"Can we watch another?" 

I giggled with a nod while handing Bucky the remote, this time letting him choose.

———

Before we knew it, one movie turned to two, two turned to four, and Bucky and I had eaten more oven baked pizza than we cared to admit, but it was the most fun I'd had since I could last remember. It wasn't forced quality time, it wasn't trying to pass the days until Sam and Steve came home, it was us basking in the company of the other and it was completely effortless. 

I couldn't believe we had actually spent over twelve hours watching movies in pure contentment. Every movie that was a classic to me was a new experience for Bucky which was actually pretty fun to be apart of. Besides, it wasn't everyday you got to see someone's reaction to watching Mean Girls for the first time. 

"You ready for bed there, Pizza King?" I teased, setting our plates on the side table next to me.

"You should talk," Bucky chuckled, leaning close to me which instantly made me stop laughing and catch my breath in my throat.

His thumb moved to the corner of my mouth and wiped off a smidge of pizza sauce, his thumb lingering over my bottom lip while my eyes staying locked on him. The way those blue eyes looked at me could've caused my heart to explode right then and there. His other fingers mindlessly drawing me closer to his face while our eyes stayed on each other. He was going to kiss me. 

_He was going to kiss me and I had pizza breath._

But then my phone rang.


	11. Tell Me I'm a Wreck

"Don't answer it." Bucky breathed, but as I glanced at my phone, it was the call we'd been waiting for.

I quickly pulled away, giving Bucky's hand a gentle squeeze before answering.

"Sam?" I swallowed.

"Hey, Mandy, we need to talk. Bucky around?"

"Y-Yeah, he is. Why?"

"Put the phone on speaker."

I don't know why I was panicking as much as I was, but it took several moments for the words he said to register. Hesitantly, I set the phone down and pressed the speaker button.

"There." I whispered.

"What's going on?" Bucky mumbled to me.

"I'm giving you an update, dumbass." Sam's voice echoed through the phone.

"Listen -" He began.

"Stop." I squeezed my eyes shut as I spoke, cutting off Bucky and Sam from having an argument. "How's Steve? Where are you guys?"

There was a long pause which caused me to bite my lip and nod to myself, my head bowing sadly. This was the news I had been dreading. This was it.

"Amanda?" A different voice spoke, causing my head to snap up.

"Wha-? Steve!" I shouted, Bucky and I immediately standing up for whatever reason. Shock, happiness, what have you.

"You son of a bitch," Bucky laughed.

"Language! Is that any way to talk to your dead best friend?" Steve chuckled in return.

"You had us worried sick, jerk." I pouted.

"Forgive me," Steve pretended to sound weak, giving a few pity coughs which caused my nose to scrunch.

"Only because I love you." I smiled, feeling Bucky's eyes glued to me now which caused me to glance over at him, noticing his mood had completely changed.

"Love you too, 'Manda. We'll be home in a couple of weeks. Gotta finish the mission, make up for lost time. Boring superhero stuff, blah blah." Steve rambled. "How you feelin', Buck?"

"Fine." He spoke flatly, causing my brows to narrow at him.

_What the hell was his problem?_

"Hope Mandy isn't making you have tea parties." He teased. "Glad you're doing good. You'll be back to your old punk self in no time."

"Watch it, Rogers." He grumbled.

"We gotta go, see ya guys." Steve spoke before hanging up.

Bucky's body was turned away from mine now. The way he was acting was harsh and cold, nothing like before I answered the phone when we were lost in each other.

"You wanna tell me what that was about?" My eyes still locked on Bucky, but he didn't respond. He didn't even look at me. "Bucky?" I gave an aggravated sigh.

Still nothing.

"I don't get it. You find out your best friend is alive and _this_ is how you react? What the hell is wrong with you.." I scoffed.

Once he didn't respond again, I turned to walk away. This conversation was clearly going nowhere.

"You're what's wrong with me." Bucky grumbled, waiting for me to turn around before he continued. His body turning slightly toward me, but still reserved.

"Everyday. I share my fucked up memories with you everyday. I trust you everyday. I learn from you everyday. Your advice, your gains, your ethics.. I'm learning how to take care of myself in a way I was never taught because of you. You're so fucking selfless, Mandy. Always taking care of other people regardless of how you're feeling. I cook because I wanna see that cheesy grin on your lips after you take the first bite. I bake so you have sweets to snack on when we're watching one of those typical movies that you love. I wanna give back to you somehow. I'm trying so hard to work on myself to make you proud. To make you see there's more to me than... than this arm and all the pain that comes with it."

I stared up at him with my lips parted, tears stinging my eyes as this broken man let out everything he was feeling but was trying so desperately to hide today. It was then that I realized this outburst wasn't because Steve was okay. This was because I told Steve I love him. Even though Bucky knows Steve and I are just friends, I was hit with the realization that Bucky hadn't been loved by someone in almost seventy years, or by someone at all.

"All I ever wanted to do was protect my country and it led to decades of me causing pain and suffering. I hurt innocent people. _Good_ people. I hurt your family. I don't wanna hurt you, Mandy. I-I wanna protect you from everything, including myself. You remind me everyday that I'm a victim in all of this, not the other way around like the rest of the world sees. You take my good days with my bad days even though I'm a pain in the ass. You kept me from sinking when I thought Steve was dead. You didn't let me go darkside. You came bursting into my room the first night here because you thought I was in danger and I've never known anyone besides Steve to care about me that much to be that idiotic." He laughed sadly.

I was walking over to Bucky, still listening to him ramble on, but this time, my ears clung onto every word he spoke. Even when his breath was shaky while I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"I hate tea, but I drink it because it reminds me of you. Even though you're weird and add milk to yours." He whispered, my lips curling. "I hate that thunderstorms scare you, but calming you to sleep gives me a sense of purpose I haven't felt since before the war. I hate that I can't stay with you when you ask me to, I'd give anything to just fucking _hold_ you when you're asleep but nothing calms me down like the smell of you left on my shirt when I'm lying in bed. It's like you're there with me without the chance of hurting you. I-"

And then my lips were on his, my fingers curling into Bucky's hair once I felt his lips desperately moving against my own. The way his beard prickled against my skin causing a faint whimper to emit from my lips which caused Bucky to grin into the kiss, leaving me a complete and utter mess.

Time seemed to stand still as each of us pulled the other as close as we could, but it still never seemed to be enough. One of Bucky's hands rested on the small of my back, the other cradling the side of my face as we each tilted our heads to deepen the kiss.

As our fevered kiss slowly came to an end, our lips lingered on the other, our foreheads pressed together as nothing but the sound of our breathing filled the air. Once I knew what Bucky's lips felt like against mine, I knew I never wanted to go a day without that feeling.

Here was this man. A man who selflessly put his life on the line over seventy years ago. Seventy years of being frozen on and off, of killing upon request, of having his memory wiped in the most painful ways possible. A man who endured all of that for seven decades. A man who trusted one person in his whole life and was slowly learning to trust another. A man who would rather go on a ten minute rant instead of just saying 'I love you' because he couldn't get the words out. A perfectly broken man who was finding himself again.

I never wanted to be that girl who needed a guy to be happy, but I knew I needed Bucky and suddenly I was okay with him being the reason behind my happiness.


End file.
